How not to be a slack-jawed idiot

This is my letter to the table of 25, most specifically the 7 big-haired rugby-player teenagers at the loud end of the table, who ruined Foodie's birthday dinner:

Dear Big-Haired Rugby-Player Teenagers at the Loud End of the Table,

I realize that you are from Springville, UT and therefore were never taught proper "going out in public" manners (your claim, not mine), so I'm just going to make you a little list now for future reference.

1. The Brick Oven in Provo may not be an establishment of fine dining, but it is still a restaurant, rather that the pig's trough you mistook it for.

2. Claiming that you are from Springville, UT, and therefore were never taught how to be in public is no excuse. However, if this is seriously going to impede you, they do have things resembling restaurants in Springville. We suggest you use them.

3. Apache war cries from wannabe frat boys are offensive, whether at the table or not.

4. We do not pound on tables with our fists.

5. When the weak-spined pansy manager with the stupid glasses has to come over and ask you to keep it down, that means you are being really, really loud.

6. A real manager (rather than the weak-spined pansy you met last night) would have asked you to leave. Should you decide to try this whole "restaurant thing" a second time, don't be surprised when this happens.

7. When the entire UNLV women's basketball team (who was in town playing BYU that day) asks to be moved to another area of the restaurant, that means you are being really, really loud.

8. When the entire UNLV women's basketball team gets up to leave and you start calling out things like, "Go home, UNLV!" that means you are not only loud and stupid, but that you deserve to be stuffed into a basketball hoop, doused in kerosene, and set on fire.

9. The "Happy Birthday Song" does not need to be sung at the top of your lungs. And it most definitely does not need to be sung twice at the top of your lungs.

10. When a witty and attractive library student is visiting from England and this is her one chance to catch up with these particular friends, and she can't even hear them because you are being so flipping loud, that means you deserve to be slowly dismembered with pizza slicers.

11. When one of the long-suffering girls at Foodie's table finally stands up and tells you exactly how obnoxious you are being and that you have completely ruined her meal, then grabs her purse and leaves the room, you do not call out things like "Yay, she's leaving!" This causes both Kristen and Nemesis to whip around in their seats, snarling, and tell you exactly what they think of behavior like that, because that is both rude and ugly. Then you will look down at your laps like the embarassed teenagers that you are. Only you brought in our yourselves.

Bon Appetit, punks!

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