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Wednesday 31 January 2007

way to show good judgment, there

The scale at the gym has decided to stop telling me The Lies. I guess my threats involving Molotov cocktails and such have paid off. Or possibly my new healthy living plan has. Or I've become better at reading numbers. I don't know which it is. But the point is that I am going to celebrate by treating myself to an evening of gastronomic fabulousness this weekend. I'm going to Greg's Restaurant with Foodie, my sisters, and whoever else told Foodie that they want to come. It's run by the culinary arts people at Utah Valley State College, and every week they serve a different 5-course meal. I went once on French Night and spent the entire meal in a half-swoon. This year they're featuring regions in the US, and this weekend it's Pacific Northwest Night, which is exactly what I would have picked if I were in charge.

Check out what you get for $16.95. You pick one item from each category, and then you make your neighbors pick the other options so that you can taste all of them.

Appetizers

Mussels in Thai Coconut Broth

Deep Fried Salmon Croquette with Caper Dill Tartar Sauce

Trio of Grilled Bell Pepper and Eggplant Terrine


Soup

Red Lentil Soup with Walla Walla Marmalade

Green Pea Soup with Crab and Mint


Salad

Pear and Hazelnut Salad with Oregon Blue Cheese

Soba Noodle Salad with Grilled Mushrooms

Mixed Greens with Raspberry Vinaigrette and Enoki Mushrooms


Entree

Fresh Halibut Sauted and served with Cucumber and Ginger Salad and Thai Black Sticky Rice

Roasted Morgan Valley Lamb Top Sirloin with Thyme Merlot Reduction, Spicy Sweet Potato Hash Browns and Zucchini and Snow Peas with Basil

Hot Smoked Apricot Salmon with Wild Rice Harvest Cakes and Creamed Spinach

Blackberry Barbecued Breast of Chicken with Creamy Potato Salad, Shoestring Potatoes and Chinese Broccoli with crispy Garlic


And there are desserts, but we don't find out what they are until we get there--this is probably to keep some people (me) from trying to eat their computer monitor in a frenzy of chocolate lust.

So yeah, I'm pretty much living for Friday. Also, since I'm going to be down there for a work event (the conference on books) I can turn in my receipt from dinner and get reimbursed. Have I mentioned that I love my job?

Tuesday 30 January 2007

Why we don't drop infants on their heads

One reason why I need to find a new ward:

The couple who sat in front of me are apparently so much in love that they want to have their torsos fused together, much in the manner of the twins on Grey's Anatomy a few weeks ago. They were hunched over and spooning with their arms around each other like a pair of demented human commas. She was cradled into his chest and their cheeks were pressed together. They sat like that for the entire 45-minute lesson. What was even better was that the guy made three very long and self-important comments during this time. He never once sat up straight, removed his face from his girlfriend's, or stopped rubbing her arm with enough force to leave a rash. I hope they give themselves scoliosis doing that. At one point he did detach his cheek from his girlfriends, but just long enough to survey the room while wearing a really smug smile. It was all I could do to keep from leaning forward and saying, "Hey, buddy? Not only do you look like some kind of tree sloth, but your girlfriend is clad head-to-toe in denim. I'd wipe that crap-eating grin off my face if I were you."

And THEN after sacrament meeting I saw them again. This time he was sitting on the pew and she was RECLINING on it with her head pressed up against his torso. As if she were some kind of 6-year-old who can't sit the heck UP in church. If it turns out that she's actually really sick and dying of leukemia or something I'm going to feel bad, but I don't think she was, on account of she was wearing that same satisfied grin that he had on earlier. It made me want roll her off the bench with my foot, or at least take her aside and let her know that she has nothing to be smiling about because the angels up in heaven are probably crying and/or dry-heaving right now and it's all her fault.

Wake up call?

The sensation of being immoblised and the images of falling into endless pits of infinite darkness is still very much fresh in my mind. Well, last night, in the middle of my sleep, I was suddenly jolted into a very queer 'dream', which consisted of me falling into neverending pits of darkness, causing much panic and dizziness in the dream. I wanted to wake myself up from this almost terrifying dream, then I realise I couldn't command a single bit of my muscle. I believe this hapless sense of panic lasted for a minute, I estimated. In this span of time, I recall hearing Kampfar's Lyktemann playing faintly in the background, with that wrathful growls, deepening my fright. Using all my willpower, I finally managed to prye open my eyelids which weight like lead bars. Lyktemann was still heard by me, this diabolical cacophony of agnoised gutteral screams. Rousing myself up, ableit finally, I see the CD I have been listening to before bed. Nemesis Divina by Satyricon. That damned eagle on the CD cover looked into my eyes forcefully, even though the room was very much darkened.

I said to myself, "Oh no... Can't be black metal that caused this fucked up thing." I entertained myself with endless questions like, "Possessed?", "Satan's here?". Then, I could almost feel myself speaking in tongue. The Christain Hebrew tongue. Thank Loki that I controlled it, otherwise, I'd be scared shitless.

I fearfully lied back on the bed, looking up the ceiling, thinking wildly.

Is it time for me to quit listening to Black Metal?, I questioned myself.

Or, denouncing such blasphemious unevidenced claims, would it be caused by uncomfortable sleeping positions? Not enough rest recently? Low blood pressure? Rapid eye movement during sleep?

I have no fucking idea. All I know is that I want a good, uninterrupted night sleep today.

Sunday 28 January 2007

Weekend highlights/lowlights

Highlights:
Book club meeting at Angie's, a local restaurant, to discuss Great Expectations. Great shakes. All the other girls were married but I can't really hold that against them. Since the subject of afterbirth never once came up, I'm feeling good about the group's potential.

Met up with Desmama at a book signing. Have I mentioned yet how cool she is? Because it's true. And her babies are so stinking cute.

Got a great haircut for a great price. I look fabulous. The red highlights always look pretty dark in the beginning, but the head-wound look should wear off soon enough.

Finally read New Moon by Stephenie Meyer. Wanted to shut myself up and not do anything else or talk to anyone until I was finished.

Watched Cool Hand Luke at the Utah Theater--it shows old movies every weekend. Roman Holiday is coming in a few weeks. Anyway, had not truly realized that the young Paul Newman is quite possibly one of the most beautiful men ever born. Seriously. That guy's profile belongs on coinage.

Lowlights:
Actually, I'll save those. I'm not feeling rational enough yet to get into them. They involve my new ward and why I cannot continue to go there if I want to remain sane. Will leave you with this pic instead.


Tv

It's really amazing that I didn't have the slightest urge to step out of the house for the entire weekend, not due to the fact that I have common test next week [this I can handle decently well] but the fact that cable TV offers too many shows to watch.

Discovery Channel. MTV. HBO. BBC. This goes on in loops.

Omg. I think I need a TV repellent, haha, pretty rare right now as most people are addicted being online now. And here I am, going backwards in time, getting hooked to the telly. Lol.

Just watched The Island on HBO. Pretty decent sci-fi thriller film. It's the first dystopian film that ends with a happy ending I have ever seen. 1984, A Clockwork Orange, A.I., all ends up really tragic. Ah wells, I think I am about to contradict myself again. Tragic yes, but those in The Island are clones, not supposed to be integrated into the society. But! They are living homo sapiens with a conscious! Ah crap. I just hate these paradoxes. [kills my brain cells]

Speaking of such philosophical topics, I would like to bring up the notion I had in mind for weeks. I'm so inspired by John Lennon's Imagine. Just watch the video and lyrics below. How I yearn for such an utopia to materialise... Obviously impossible though.




Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Thursday 25 January 2007

Did you hear that I'm an athlete now?

I went running yesterday. I have to run on a treadmill because I can't keep an even pace. My body uses this as an excuse to shut down completely so that I end up in a heap on the side of the road somewhere with the cars splashing mud onto my unconscious form. So yes. It's the treadmill for me.

Turns out that having an MP3 player back in my life makes all the difference in the world. I'm not cool enough to have an I-Pod. It's this Rio player that I bought a couple of years ago. Some of my ghetto booty dance songs make me smile AND speed up. That, friends, is something.

Time ran: 34 minutes
Calories burned: 280
Facial color: dark purple
Time elapsed before face returned to normal: 3 hours
Time elapsed since last intentional running session: 20 months

We're doing this accountability email circle where me, Jenny, Spitfire, & Mom email each other with what we're doing.

Mom's report includes other bits of information, like what time she went to bed and how much snow they just got and what she ate for breakfast and what the dog's up to. But she's a pretty faithful exerciser.

Jenny's read like this: "Did 5 days of cardio for 45 minutes each day and lifted 3 of those days and went to 3 pilates classes and taught one of them."

Mine reads like this: "Slept in. Went to yoga after work. Don't judge me."

Spitfire's reads like this: "Walked several flights of stairs in high heels while holding heavy office papers. Does that count?"

Cable TV

For the first time in my entire 18 years of life, I will have the luxury of watching Cable TV at my own leisure and home, besides looting shows at friends' place.

Yay!

MTV, Wildboyz, Movies, Discovery Channel, Tabloid shows, here I come! [grin]

Wednesday 24 January 2007

Finally. Volkerball. Here!

As I walk into Sebawang store at Plaza Singapura like many times before, with a half-given-up mindset, today. Not having much thought of wanting to ask about my request for Rammstein's Volkerball DVD's progress, I walked and looked around aimlessly. When I was about to leave, the familiar staff recognised me due to my incessant enquires about Volkerball and brought me some good news.

Volkerball will finally hit Singapore's stores on 1st Feburary 2007! It was officially released on 20th November 2006, people. I have waited in utmost agony and patience and in vain for, let's see, at least 73 days aka 1752 hours aka 105120 minutes aka 6307200 seconds and counting.

Such insane devotion, Rammstein, I only think it's fair for you guys to pay Singapore a long-due visit, perhaps bring some instruments and flamethrowers as well. Don't you agree?

For the past 73 days aka 1752 hours aka 105120 minutes aka 6307200 seconds, I have abstained from the pleasure of watching clips of the DVD from Youtube and reading the many reviews (nice word for spoilers, actually) on Herzeleid.net forums, which in turn killed many of my cells due to the execruiating wait and hearing people getting the Limited Edition on the first day. It was Hell, I tell you.

1st Feburary, I beckon your Coming,
LingNemesis
24th Jan 2007.

Monday 22 January 2007

Not sure I'm convinced

It is good to be reminded occasionally that the good ones are not, in fact, all taken. Thanks, for the link, Chantel!

Otherwise I'd be tempted to slit my wrists sometimes. Saturday night was one of those times. My sister Spitfire's (male) friend got together a group to attend USU's "Poetry and a Beverage" Night. Turns out this is where large groups of people go and kind of listen to performers but mostly play games at their table while flirting and drinking hot chocolate.

I drank hot chocolate but can't say I got any flirting in, on account of nearly everyone who turned up was already married. Now, I would never go so far as to say that a seat occupied by a married person is a seat wasted, except I kind of just did say it. Woops.

Before all my married friends rise up and kill me, please let me say that I love you and I love spending time with you. I like meeting nice/funny/interesting folks, be they married or single. But when I'm going to an event looking to meet people, that is actually my SuperSecret Code for "meet single people." Single guys, to be exact. And while your husbands may be fabulous, they are of absolutely no use to me in such a situation. Nor would you wish them to be.

And I realize that the marrieds can't be home swinging from chandeliers all the time and they deserve a night out with fun people just as much as anyone. I do, really. It's just that here's what happened:

I'm pretty sure there were about 7 handsome, witty, nice single men who were going to come to Poetryandabeverage. Only then the married people took their spots and they didn't come. This left me with the 8th man, who:

1. Is writing a book about women and dating. His only words to describe it were "hilarious" and "really hilarious." I remain unconvinced.
2. Absolutely had to bring up sex every time he spoke.

(Note: I am not referring to my sister's friend, who seemed very nice and normal. But I wasn't sitting anywhere near him.)

I find it depressing to note that the best conversations I had that night were with the married guys. They were nice and funny and asked me about myself. Best of all, they refrained from shouting out the words of "erectile dysfunction" at random moments during the evening.

Does anyone else find this fair?

Release.

With one step closer to changing my current CCA which caused me much woes and depression recently, I feel very much relieved, ableit the fact that there's now some metalheads in the club. I still feel that the need to struggle through the (often tiring as hell) sessions and having no musical background (except for air drumming, sometimes), it was really quite exhausting. Ah wells, I'll be talking this to the teachers soon, afterwhich, I will be liberated! [smiles] I must say I learnt quite abit about recording/microphone-knowledge/singing/cello/keyboard chords, though. It was an pleasant experience nonetheless, just that I have to prevent myself from getting too tired from school activities.

Would be transferring to Mind Games aka Chess-Nerding-Weirdo-Geeking. Where, I heard from YL, they only require once a week meeting that lasts only one and half hour. That rocked. =D Ah wells, at least I have the prior knowledge of chess, both international and chinese. Plus, Yik Kwang and Barry, my sec 1-2 classmates are there! I think I will be able to fit in there just nice.

Enough of CCA. That word has almost driven me to madness.

It is so refreshing to be able to watch Flourish videos at the end of each tired day, to be dazzled by the spinning packets, the languid movements of those delectable fingers and pasteboards, the fanciful twists and turns. They are like the visual escape from this ugly world. Loves flourishing to its death.

My Chinese New Year Flourish performance is now 90% confirmed, only lacking the technican's (positive) reply that the camera-projector setup is feasible. This will be my second time performing flourishes on stage, *recalls Magic Unlimited 2005*. Jaspas said conquering the stage fright is the easy part. Riiight. I hope this will spawn my series of performances (for my Graduation Certificate!) in school, and gain enough experience to do it for the media afterwards. Now I need to familiarise myself with the move-sequence.

I acquired an Anne Rice book a week ago, the erotica stuff that she wrote under pen name, Anne Rampling. I must say they are delicious. :p

Marilyn Manson the God of Fuck Himself just left his wife, Dita Von Tesse. What the hell is wrong with that guy? Dita is the paragon of virtue and beauty, how can anyone reject her?! It's impossible. And Manson refuses to see her again or to provide her with finanical assistance. I guess my role model image is tainted now. I was still hoping to see if they do have any kids in the future. Sigh.

I need to muggerify myself for Common Test 1.

I didn't know Vika was such a House-addict as well. One more common interest tick in the list.

Mephistopheles now owns me.

I should go continue reading my Anne Rice book,
LingNemesis

Saturday 20 January 2007

How Horatio ended slavery because he is JUST that hot

Oh my gosh. Oh. Oh my gosh. The fine ladies over at Romancing the Tome have alerted us that the promotional materials for the new Ioan Gruffudd (aka Horatio Hornblower, aka My Boyfriend and Ardent Love Slave) movie are out.

Seriously. Go watch the trailer, found here.

Please please please let it be good. Please let it will be wonderful and win Best Picture and please let Ioan be wonderful and win Best Actor and then he can come to my house afterwards and I will show him how we librarians celebrate. It involves a heated pot of Nutella, a paintbrush, and some Dewey Decimal numbers.


Friday 19 January 2007

Amateur Philosophy Attempt One.

Here are some of the aphorisms I conjured up in the last holidays, decided to post them up here. Enjoy, whether you have the same viewpoint as me or not. =)
_______

You reaches home and takes a shower. The water washes away all the pretentious qualities of you. Washing away your mask of social pomposity. After that, then you are yourself.

Once you awake, noises of trivial chatter and meaningless songs flood you unbridled. Not having any control over them, you are saturated with unwanted inputs, all day and all night. There will be a point you will be overtaken by them – the incessant noises. You no longer can listen to yourself.

In times of depression, think of absolutely nothing. Make no connections with anything. Visualize a lone man standing atop a tall pole, with all the emotions wallowing at the bottom.

No longer do I believe in Good or Evil. God or Satan. Worship of sound actions should be implemented worldwide.

To believe in something, you have to lie to yourself first.

This world is going retrograde.

Bloodshed. Mankind's first and favourite pastime.

Sui Generis. Dare to be a real individual, dare to be in your own league.

Stupidity. The worst sin to commit.

Facade. The State never thinks for the betterment of her people.

The state of your mind likens to the path you take. Walk along the barren and easy one, your mind would be as clean as a slate, so devoid of growth. And, otherwise.

[All comments of different shapes and sizes are cordially welcomed. Just tag!]

Let's get physical

I worked out at the gym yesterday, because I am now One Who Works Out. Or at least I'm trying to be. Again. Some more. Two years ago back when I was working at BYU I did this Y-Be-Fit program where they get all this information about your health and diet and habits. They put me on a treadmill and had me lift weights and do a sit-and-reach. The sit-and-reach is never my favorite, because I quite likely have the shortest hamstrings in the entire world, including those of premature babies. I can barely go past my knees and people think I'm faking, but I'm not. Yet another reason why little old ladies who crossed the plains back in the days of the pioneers can school me at yoga. The Y-B-Fit girl also put me in the Bod Pod, which is one of those egg-shaped air displacement things to find out your BMI and fat percentages and all that. When I went to get my results they told me that I was obese. At which point I raised my eyebrow and said, "Excuse me?"

"Oh yeah," the girl chirped. "You're not overweight, mind you, but you're obese because 32% of you is fat. That's a really lot."

I'm thinking I'm probably back to that. Only if the scale at the new gym is right (please please please let it be wrong) then I'm quite likely obese and overweight. Either way I want to knock that thing over and light it on fire, so I'm just going to ignore it from now on and go about my exercise business.

Wednesday 17 January 2007

If you don't run you won't win

It's only that line (guess which movie and you win 10 points) that gets me through nights like tonight. If I'd had my way, I would have gone to yoga tonight with my sister, come home and eaten something healthy, and then curled up with a book. But because I am trying to be One Who Makes an Effort, I left work early, rushed home to put on warm clothing, and traveled 40 minutes to some ski lodge for an activity the singles ward was hosting. I didn't ski because I've only done that once and it is really, really cold. This was okay because there were games and movies and food in the lodge for the non-outdoor-venturers.

Thing is, I didn't know anyone. I drove up w/my roommate and her bf, but they went sledding. There were loads of people there, and everyone was sort of in clumps of friends. So it's not like there was some main activity that you could just join in. Even if I'd known one other person there it would have been better. So I chatted with people and did my best, but that is really not my optimum social situation. I got in on a game of Apples to Apples with a table of people, but it turns out that none of them are in my ward so I'm probably never going to see any of them again. I spoke with 4 boys:

I chatted briefly with a guy during the game
I offered a plastic spoon to guy behind me in the spoon line
I asked a guy what time it was, just before his girlfriend came over
I said hello to the stalker in response to his eventual greeting, just as I was leaving

So . . . yeah. If anyone ever tries to tell me that I just Don't Make an Effort, they're going to get a kick in the teeth from me. Because if I had things my way I would just order Jim Halpert from a catalog and he would come right to my home, where I would be warm and cozy and doing things that I want to be doing and not freezing my tail off getting ignored in some barn.


I'm just sayin'.

Tuesday 16 January 2007

At last . . . my lu-u-uv has come along

Went to the outlet stores at Park City on Monday with Jaime, Foodie, and Kristee. I showed admirable restraint in the fiscal department, I feel. I had a hard time in Banana Republic, though, because they were having this massive sale where everything was an additional 50% off. Sigh . . . I settled on one pretty shirt. And a pair of $40 exercise pants for $8 at Aeropostale. And a set of 6 beautiful white ramekins for $8. Now I can make creme brulee at my house!

The love part happened when Kristee ushered us into the Mikasa outlet and I saw these.


It's their Pure Red design and my heart kind of lurched out of my chest when I saw it. And there may have been angels. It was all very fuzzy. I can do without the tea cups, but I want to bring the rest home and give names to each piece. Problem is, I don't actually need china. Nor can I afford it to buy it myself. And I'm not getting married any time soon so it's not like there are people lining up to buy it FOR me. And I'm supposed to be cutting down on my consumer spending.

But seriously, SO pretty.

Maybe this is one of those things that Kelly was talking about when she wanted to start the registry club. Girl has a point. The premise is if you're not married by a certain age you can just go ahead and register because if you're going to be freaking celibate for all those years you might as well have pretty dishes for your cats to eat off of.

Monday 15 January 2007

Happy 18th Birthday.

So that's it.

I'm 18. Bleh, I don't feel anything special. at. all.

"Happy birthday to me... Happy birthday to me..." Sigh.

Sunday 14 January 2007

Just be okay.

Right now, I just want my sister to be safe and out of pain.

This is when it sucks being an atheist, you have no Gods to pray to. Ack.

I'll be visiting my sister at the hospital tomorrow after school, to make sure she's ''alright'', although I know she will be damn miserable and in great pain. I am, and the whole family, will be with you regardless whatever.

I should start a petition regarding idiotic design of the public floors, make them practical and slipping-free, assholes, instead of putting nice tiles and shit. And, ban all lousy slippers as well! Ugh, I have no mood or whatsoever for school or anything right now.

The family will be there to share the pain with you, Ling Kai, my dearest talented sister,
Ling Xuan
14th Jan 2006

Saturday 13 January 2007

To Reign in Hell (From ANUS.com)

As is known to those who take the time to think on such esoteric topics, it is impossible to know the good without the bad. There is a middle state, without judgment, where nothing much matters, but too much lingering here and one discovers a kind of personal entropy: since all decisions are equally of this middle state, there's no point making any decision. Linger in the stream and let it pass. Of course, in that state, there is also none of the reward of accomplishment.

Making choices after all defines us. From the simplest satisfactions when we choose to clean our homes or organize our lives in a better fashion, to the greatest choices, when we stand our ground for a principle or ideal, choice makes us feel alive because in it we are exercising the capacity of life. This capacity is at its simplest level motion, and at its most complex motion through the world of ideas. We feel alive when we encounter a choice and make a good one. We feel dead when we shirk from these choices, even if we're "comfortable" with our warm homes, cars, video games, pornography and serving-size packaged prefabricated foods.

Excepting such a middle state, we live for making choices toward what is good and avoiding what is bad. As with all judgments and categories, these exist in a spectrum from simple goods like a clean house being superior to a filth-hole, to complex ends where we prefer a society that is not failing to one that allows us excess of comfort. Our choices are informed by our knowledge of what is good, or what ends in an order that is beneficial to us, and what is bad, or what results in less organization and less beneficial aspects. Disorder is another form of entropy, one that is fatal to individuals and societies alike.

Our knowledge of good and bad is entirely dependent on experience, although we come pre-programmed with some knowledge. Snakes are for the most part bad, in our genetic heritage, and depending on where our families originated, there may be other primal fears and primal desires. Germans seem to like order and cleanliness over all else, where to an Italian, a warm house full of good food takes precedence. What we all share that is not learned is a knowledge that some things will end well, and others will not. If we are attuned to ourselves, we become uneasy deep in our gut when we are part of a course of action that we suspect will not end well.

We wonder if indeed our universe learned by the same method, since our thoughts and their maturation so resemble the processes we see in nature whether planets forming from circling gasses or species adapting general principles to specific environments. Our furthest conjecture might envision a nothingness so absolute it is not even an empty space, only an absence in totality, which at some point through a routine error was able to recognize two parts of itself as distinct, and thus created "space" so both could exist. Is the universe made of thoughts? It certainly seems as if it acts that way.

In John Milton's "Paradise Lost," the most beautiful of angels so made Error and rebelled against an all-seeing God, and was thus cast into a Hell, dividing existence between Heaven and Hell and their mediate zone, this mortal space of time and body we know as "life on earth." Satan, cast among the wreckage with his fellow rebels, reflects on his fate with the stolidity of a Greek tragedic deity: It is better to reign in hell, he surmises, than to serve in heaven. From error comes new life, and from Satan's fall comes what we know on earth as the significance of choice between good and bad. With only heaven, there was no need for such choice, and through error, the universe expanded.

When we return from our spacy conjecture to the reality of our present time, we can see a parallel construction: without certain knowledges, we are unaware of how what transpires will end. A child will not be concerned when people around him or her are taking methamphetamine, because that becomes in that child's experience "normal"; in the same way, a child can be inculcated to live around any population or behavior, but this does not mean such behaviors will end well or poorly. In the same way, we who grow up in a certain society know it as "normal" and must actively assess its tenets and actions as to how they will end.

But our experience limits us, and in this we see the wisdom of hell. Most grow up in the normalcy and do not second-guess it, but accept its failings as a matter of course and do their best to dodge them. Fewer than one percent of all people question the actual direction of society or its future impact. Among those, only a few have either sought or seen hell and remained mentally intact enough to process it.

Of course, hell takes many forms. Some find hell on the battlefield, others in a broken home, and still others in crime or economic desolation. Others find it more subtly in the interactions of people. Win an award, get a promotion, make a work of art, or get famous, and suddenly you find that your friends are retaliating against you. Or sniping, expecting you to pick up the check and not care about the damage they do to your house. In the quiet moments after such events, when the puzzled mind attempts to diagnose the situation... and one realizes that other people can be motivated by revenge, small-minded envy, and even a simple parasitic desire to steal.

Having seen hells created by humans, or even the hell that a solitary human can bring to us, we become more critical of any potential action. Our sphere of good expectations has been violated, but much as Satan in discovering hell found a certain liberation, we find that we are disassociated as a result from an illusion. We no longer believe that all is well no matter what we do. Through the impact of horror, and by seeing the empty and false motivations of others, we realize not only that we are in the driver's seat of our own lives, but that there is no guarantee things will work out alright on their own -- more likely, they'll turn out terribly, since many of the people in command have the same revengeful outlook as the others in whom we discover anew hell.

In the same way an inexperienced Satan could not know the power of his own choice, because he never had the chance to screw up and get thrown into hell, modern people are inexperienced and know not hell. They are virgins of true depression, true fear, and true horror because they have surrogate experiences of pleasure and pain within a system that doesn't vary -- although it postpones all of its biggest disasters much like it puts its trash in landfills, criminals in prisons, toxic waste in oceans, incompetents in government. They get excited by a change in job, and get depressed by a broken car. But do they face real horror or victory, the chance for change not in an event within their lives but the form of those lives themselves?

Until one knows hell, one cannot look into the structure of things. Behind the visible, behind the immediate, there is the way elements of a situation interact to perpetuate it. To see hell is to realize how those things bring about negativity. To see hell is to wish to know the only way to avoid it is to tackle these difficult and complex but rewarding invisible structures. Any idiot can bash an attacking wolf on the head, but how many can realize the misdirection of an upstream tributary disrupted a hunting ground and brought on the wolf? Or spotting an error that does not attack like the wolf, but leaves out necessary things, laying the groundwork for future failure. To see hell is to realize, like Satan did, that the visible is only part of what must be considered.

To realize hell is to see that the invisible world must be tackled. We cannot exist in the solely visible world, where tangible concepts are presented to us and we vote upon them or buy them but never change the structure of society. The visible world is what humans create for one another, with words and symbols and flags. The invisible world, more than what they say they mean, is the future results of their actions as designed. The invisble world is what will determine the difference between heaven and hell long before the impact of decisions past makes those states come about.

Critical thinking, or the ability to analyze complex structure where there is no single supporting idea (linearity) but a balance of all points balancing all others (architectonic), is the rarest of abilities in our world. It requires thinkers who dedicate time and energy to understanding, but it also requires a vision of enough hell to desire heaven. It is not surprising that our best thinkers, writers, leaders and artists warn us that our society is a path to hell, and most repeat those words and change nothing of their behavior or political outlook. They haven't seen hell, because hell is invisible until its consequences are felt. For those who can predict those consequences, hell arrives early.

The ancients considered critical thinking to be intelligence. They knew that with enough practice and indoctrination, marginally intelligent people could be made "intelligent" in a narrow field with few tactics that need applying. You can teach almost anyone to be a computer programmer, because most of the "thinking" is responding to variants on already-known scenarios and memory work to find the right matching piece in response. It's like fitting shaped blocks into holes. Our smart people today are singular function linear thinkers, of a partial intelligence that allows them to excel in one area without an ounce of critical thinking, and for this reason they do not recognize hell. They must be shown hell, and this is why our authors and thinkers try increasingly to represent it.

Yet for those who can make the trip from a heaven of ignorant blithe oblivion (modern living) to a realization of not just personal tragedy but the poor design of a civilization leading to inevitable future hell, the experience is life-changing. Small cares fall away. The yawning gap between perception and reality that will swallow us becomes apparent in all that we see. When this wears off, we become accustomed to enduring situations that are so poorly designed it is clear they will end badly, but most people blithely march onward into them. They are ignorant of hell, visible or invisible.

In contrast to our product-oriented media, which tries to make different hells (war, ghetto, sodomy, drugs, AIDS) seem appealing because of their lack of rules, those who have experienced hell have a different look in their eyes. They want to get away from it, because they realize that while the experience of hell is revolutionary, living in hell is not -- it is tedious, both in daily endurance and in knowledge of its certain failure. People who have seen hell tend to find wisdom in traditional family roles, in intangible pleasures like creativity and learning, and in removing themselves from the city to contemplate insignificance under a boundless night sky. They have seen hell, and realize that our modern heaven on earth leads to it, and they must escape.

But of course for most it is too late. They don't have the time, and they don't have the brainpower at hand, or the learning, to see hell, much less the invisible hell. This is why in our society, 90% of the people are oblivious and 8% are busy profiting from hell while only 2% are actually worried. Hell is easy to avoid, now, because they are worried about visible hells like war and anarchy. Our society of course as an all-inclusive place is bias against genius, because not only do they not need including, but they resist efforts toward norming. It detests those who rise above the crowd as they are both socially and bureaucratically awkward to explain to others. This is why few voices speak out about what hell awaits us, but these tend to be the smartest and most experienced voices.

When one has experienced hell, the world expands most prominently into two options: the choice to continue on a path to hell, or the choice to head elsewhere. For those who have not seen hell, the idea of hell -- "freedom" to a teenage self-indulgent Satan in Heaven -- seems appealing. But to those who have seen it, hell is not only not appealing but not rare. It is mundane. The freedom of hell and the oblivion of heaven lead to the same place, which is failure, and the determination of the experienced is to avoid both. Much as the universe recognized its own emptiness, and Satan saw his own failing as liberation, we can find liberation in looking unblinkingly into hell, and then steeling our resolve to choose another path.

by Brett Stevens

So, I am not the only nihilist around. Awesome.

Friday 12 January 2007

Updates

One week of blogging action absence is the result of an extremely (well, quite, if I choose not to exaggerate) hectic work schedule. School everyday until 4/5pm on on average, plus many other (quite unneeded) CCA obligations and ectera tra. I feel myself seeping away into the cracks and crevices of my skull, my back forever stiff from sitting still in class and my sleep never really sufficient. I wonder to myself, "Is any of these really essential? Everyone is getting so tired and busy, over stuff that seemed trivial. They have the wrong priorities, man." as I descend into the abyss of melancholic misanthropy once again, like always.

Amidst all the buzz, I longed for a day where I could awake early fresh from a good night's sleep into a world where I could read my favourite novels whilst breakfast and listening to the glorious sounds of the nature. Followed by practising card flourishing with my music player on with metal until evening, then I would go for a stroll in the forests and some meditations. All these without phone-calls, text messages, people telling you to attend this, to do this, to complete that, to reach a deadline, to follow timetables, to observe rules. Just you and the nature. [I am very much inspired by Die Grosse Stille]

Putting aside my sorrows that many would dismiss for being impracticable and escaping reality, my 18th birthday is getting nearer by the day. 16th Jan is the day, people! I will be finally legal, I can consume intoxicating drinks, contribute to the negative externalities to non-smokers, watch shows that contain nudity and more violence when we are bound to bump into Porn websites or slasher films even when we are 10, cause the emission of Carbon Monoxide into the air. Yay! I want to be 18. I have absolutely ran out of ideas how to celebrate. Everyone seem so busy. Bleh. I'll be honouring late Dead Per Yvgne Ohlin's birthday as well, yes, I share the same birthday as the man who sounded like a possessed man from Hell while doing vocals and who killed himself using shotgun. Rest in Eternal Peace, Per Yvgne Ohlin. You are remembered.

Will be going out to get a life on the morrow with Valie, (perhaps) Huron, (perhaps) Adam for my mini-birthday celebration. I have no idea what to do as well. Everything seem so boring. Ah wells. Will be visiting Jaspas at Tampiness Mall and perhaps we might drink. :P

Remember my Gen Y PlayBox Review? They finally sent me the Prize. It's a $30 cheque. Pfft. Bleh. Going to use it to get Dan and Dave's Trilogy DVDs.

Other than that, I'm contemplating to perform Flourishing during Chinese New Year, I need stuff in my Graduation Certificate. So, expect something visually astounding to come your way!

My heartbeat decreases itself into a nil,
LingNemesis
12th Jan 007

Thursday 11 January 2007

Doing Snoopy dances

Have I mentioned that I love my job? My boss gave me a brochure for this management training thing and said I could go if I wanted. Thing is, it's all the same stuff I just learned in my Management classes. And it's not like I need those classes, because if people act up I just destroy them with my mind powers.

But.


There is this. It's the Midwinter Symposium on Books for Young Readers, and it'll be held down at BYU next month. And it costs half of what that other thing would have been. I've wanted to go ever since I saw the lineup of speakers, but I was a poor unemployed person at that time and didn't have cash for the registration fee.

Stephenie Meyer will be there.
And Joan Bauer.
And Rosemary Wells.

Did I mention Stephenie Meyer?

That's the bit that has me dancing in my chair. My brother coolboy is going to be SO jealous that I get to meet her. Of course, he's probably already turned her into his pen pal or something by now. He's bold like that. He got Eric D. Snider's mom to send him brownies once.

I showed the brochure to my boss and told her that this is the conference I'd really like to go to, and she said that was just fine. She got excited when she saw the speakers as well and thinks it looks great. And she's going to send me with some money so I can get fun autographed copies of books for the library.

Yeah. Best job ever, pretty much.

Wednesday 10 January 2007

Was sloth part of your cover, too?

Remember how I'm supposed to be getting in shape? This week has been "Free Week" at the local rec center, so I've been to two of their yoga classes and am going to another one tonight.

Monday night's class was pretty tame. I'm used to doing Power Yoga, which is more intense and lasts longer. This didn't feel like quite as much work. It was still nice, though. The next morning they had a class that's half Yoga and half Pilates. When I showed up I was the only person in the room under the age of 45. Most of the other class members were little old ladies.

My thought: "Aw, crap. This one will probably be really toned down, too. Dangit."

Yeah. I should really stop thinking things. Those sweet little old ladies kicked my trash and then spat on my remains. While laughing and lifting cars with one hand.

By the end of the yoga I was tired. Then they started with the Pilates. My whole body was shaking and I had to collapse on the mat a few times while the little old ladies serenely lifted their whole body weight with just their ab muscles. I wanted to die. Turns out I have no abdominal strength. None. I knew this before, but thought I surely must be able to beat out a bunch of old ladies. Nope. I could maybe take on someone who just gave birth to quints and spent the entire pregnancy in bed, but even she might be able to call on hidden resources and destroy me.

So now I'm doing crunches every night so that I can maybe represent myself better next week.

Monday 8 January 2007

Because normal is too much to ask

So I went to my new ward on Sunday. Brief points of interest:

At one point during a lesson while mentioning someone who grew up on a farm, the girl teaching said, "Now, I'm sure most of us here grew up on farms." I refrained from bringing out an "Excuse me?" accompanied by the Eyebrow of Death.

I felt a bit overdressed because I wasn't wearing fleece. Asked my sister Spitfire if that's just a Logan thing and she shook her head sorrowfully. "No," she whispered, "That's just your ward. Your ward is kind of the homely one."

And now the longer point of interest:

When I walked in the building there was a short blond guy in front of me who proceeded to turn around and stare and my roommate and me several times, while walking. I wondered if he was looking for someone or if he was just stunned by our beauty. After all, I was pretty much working it with the red skirt and the Love Goddess hair. Then he ended up in a seat close to me for one class and I kept seeing him turn to stare our way. Tried not to assume that he was staring at me, because I didn't want to be conceited. He eventually introduced himself and seemed normal, but later we passed my sister Spitfire in the hall.

Me: Oh, that's my sister, by the way.

Guy: Oh, [Spitfire]?

Me: Yeah, you know her?

Guy: uh . . . just a little bit.

[silence]

Me: So . . . how do you guys know each other?

Guy: I . . . uh . . . ran into her on campus once . . .

Then he kind of didn't talk to me anymore. I thought it was weird that he recognized her and knew her name if he'd only met her once, but then later had a mind flash:

He's short.

My sister is 4'11. He probably asked her out. She probably turned him down. She's kind of a heart-breaker that way. Embarrassing. No wonder he didn't want to say how he knew her. And no wonder he didn't want to talk to me anymore.

So that night SF came over and I asked if she knew a short, blond guy named *****.

SF: "Do you mean the short blond guy who's been stalking me for 5 years?"

Yeah.

Turns out her freshman year this guy would sit in the library and watch her while she studied. And it's pretty much gone on since then and their paths keep crossing every year. She says he would come up to her and stand a foot away from her while she talked to other people. He would change seats, sometimes from one end of the room to the other, so he could sit behind her and watch her. He has never spoken to her.

When I told her he introduced himself to me she was all pleased. "Wow, good for him! Oh, wait, or that means he likes you enough to actually talk to you, which is bad. Best of luck with that."

And people thought I wouldn't be able to meet anyone in Logan. I guess I sure showed them!

Friday 5 January 2007

Pretty much the best book ever

So it turns out that my new library is very good about ordering books that people request. Which is nice. It's just too bad that people don't have better taste.

I processed a new paperback today that had been requested by a male patron. It’s about a Navajo FBI agent who, according to the back jacket blurb, is “strong-willed, dynamic, a born hunter.” The book is entitled Black Mesa and is part of the American Heroes: Against All Odds series.

I went to write my cool librarian information on the title page and saw this tantalizing intro:

His kiss was soft at first, neither urging nor coaxing. Her heart leapt to life and a slow tendril of heat began to wind its way through her. . . .

With a groan, he pulled her even closer. His mouth smothered hers, a raw urgency tugging at his restraint. She moaned softly.

“Tell me you need me, schoolteacher, as much as I need you,” he said in a husky voice. “Say it.”

She had just started to answer when a loud thump shattered the moment.

“What the--" Justin moved to one side and saw a fireball arc across the sky toward them.


Okay, Awesome.

We've got sex, FBI agents, naughty schoolteachers, and fireballs. Something for everyone! Several people stared at me when I burst out laughing there at the end.

Hey Desmama, if you want me to put this one on hold for you I totally will.

Birthdays.

Hereby wishing a very Happy 38th Birthday to the God of Fuck himself, Marilyn Manson! Much as I am unable to say it to you personally, with more sincerity (not that I have none), I hope you could feel the devotion from your fans worldwide and continue your wondrous art to futhur inspire us to greater heights. Your success has driven me to emulate it in every way possible.

Secondly, also a birthday well-wishing to Jordan Lapping, have a good 15th birthday, The One Who Is Insane With Jackson 5! =)

Speaking of unrelated matters, after 3 days of being a JC2 student has gave me some sort of sneak peek of what is about to come my way. I must say I am even more determined to get the hell out of SRJC. One more bloody fucking year, assholes, then I'll be out! And never back!

2 days ago, I was battling the urge to work at HMV. Why does this queer thought decides invade my mind at this point of time?!

Right now, I'm resorted to randomly crapping with Keroy for sane company in class, with the absence of Ivan - The Dildo-Obsessed guy. I need a fast-forward button. I want to fucking graduate! Ok, enough of angst...

I need a life. I need to go out with Val/Jaspas/Rh really soon. Like tomorrow. Hall, we come!

I have thoughts of resigning everything to become a hermit as well,
LingNemesis.

Thursday 4 January 2007

I get my own parking space, people

So it's my second day of work and I'm still alive. They're actually making it a pretty mellow adjustment, which is really nice. Everyone seems pretty cool and is happy to have the extra body. Yesterday I got to:

recommend books for a 14-yr-old non-reader boy (I recommended Ender's Game and Eragon)

help some 10-yr-old boys find books for their State Reports--the funny part is I don't know where everything is yet so they followed me around like ducklings as I roamed the library

Check out Season One of The Office and watch it with my sister

Read completely vague and obfuscatory pamphlets about health care plans which made me want to drive a pencil into my eye

I plan to take some pictures of Logan and get them posted up here. Just so you know what I'm dealing with, though, let me tell you that a large segment of the neighborhood smells like cow poop, and that driving into town I saw an advertisement for bull semen.

Hoo boy.

Wednesday 3 January 2007

Funny #2!

Thanks Vika for this! Which made my week for sure.

There's a zoophilist, a necrophilia and a masochist sitting on a wall and a cat walks by. The zoophilist says: Oh, how I want to fuck that cat. Then the necrophilia says, after you fuck her, I'll kill her and fuck her. And the masochist goes: Meow.

Infinite "hahaha"s.

[still laughing]

Ridiculously funny.

In 2007, lingnemesis resolves to...
Apply for a new isolation.
Give up reading.
Go to the weird things every month.
Pay for my dirty jokes on time.
Find a new penspinning..
Learn to play the death.
Get your own New Year's Resolutions:

I'm very amused by this. LJ pwns Blogger in everyway possible.

Tuesday 2 January 2007

Moving day

Today I have English chocolate.

Remember WR? He flew out here for Christmas to see Goldilocks, on account of they're dating. Hah! Betchall never saw THAT one coming! And now I finally get to Out them. Mwah-hah-hahahah.

Anyway, he emailed to ask if there was anything I wanted from the Motherland, which, hi, of course there was. I didn't get to meet up with them while he was here on account of I'm a scatterbrained flake who kept getting sick, but last night I went over to the lovely Goldie's and picked up a bag which contained:

my pretty soft blue sweater from H&M that I left behind without realizing how much I was going to miss it later

a big bar of Honey I Washed the Kids soap from Lush. You've heard me talk about this soap.

a bag of Thornton's Continental chocolate

My cup, she runneth over. Three hearty English "Huzzahs" for WR. I especially need the chocolate because I'm driving up to L**** today to begin my adventures as a real-live honest-to-goodness spinster librarian. I have waited so long for this day.

I start on Wednesday. And if anyone was thinking that a really funny thing to do would be to turn up at my place of employment and shout something like, "Hey, aren't you that girl who talks about her dried-out ovaries on the Internet?" then you'd best rethink that. Do keep in mind that as a librarian I will quite likely have access to all your personal information. If I don't, I can get it. Quiet greetings will, however, be most welcome and appreciated--especially if you use some kind of code word, because code words are cool.

(image from CafePress.com)

Monday 1 January 2007

Happy 2007

I'm not going to make any specific set-in-stone-type resolutions, because I always fail at them. But there are some things I want to be working on.

1. I want to excercise. Much as I dislike exertion and the accompanying sweat and purple-facedness, I feel better when I'm in somewhat in shape. Also, I have been blessed with good health and a body that works, so I'm probably bringing bad karma on myself by not actively taking better care of it.

2. I want to eat better. I admire people like Lady J who use all kinds of local produce and my sister who makes nearly everything from scratch. Now that I'm going to be in my own place without the crazy traveling work schedule I used to have, there's really no excuse for me to be eating rubbish all the time like a college student. It turns out that my soon-to-be new roommates get their milk delivered fresh from Winder Farms, so yay for steps in the right direction!

3. I want to buy less. Remember that shopping binge I went on recently where I bought all the soaps and stuff? Funny thing about that: I never felt satisfied. The more I bought, the more I noticed and the more I wanted. I've been reading some of the articles written about The Compact, that group of people who pledged not to buy anything new (aside from food and necessities) for a year. I don't think I can necessarily go that far, but I think there are a lot of things I don't really need, or that I could find used rather than new.

4. I want to start that novel. I thought about what I've accomplished so far in my 20s and I've done so many great things--things I had no idea at 18 that I'd get to do. Being a published author, though, would be pretty much the coolest thing ever. Any ideas on what it should be about? Once I'm a successful novelist the only things left to do will be to star in a major motion picture, marry Ioan Gruffudd, and buy a stone cottage in Derbyshire. I'll be set.

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