Why we don't drop infants on their heads

One reason why I need to find a new ward:

The couple who sat in front of me are apparently so much in love that they want to have their torsos fused together, much in the manner of the twins on Grey's Anatomy a few weeks ago. They were hunched over and spooning with their arms around each other like a pair of demented human commas. She was cradled into his chest and their cheeks were pressed together. They sat like that for the entire 45-minute lesson. What was even better was that the guy made three very long and self-important comments during this time. He never once sat up straight, removed his face from his girlfriend's, or stopped rubbing her arm with enough force to leave a rash. I hope they give themselves scoliosis doing that. At one point he did detach his cheek from his girlfriends, but just long enough to survey the room while wearing a really smug smile. It was all I could do to keep from leaning forward and saying, "Hey, buddy? Not only do you look like some kind of tree sloth, but your girlfriend is clad head-to-toe in denim. I'd wipe that crap-eating grin off my face if I were you."

And THEN after sacrament meeting I saw them again. This time he was sitting on the pew and she was RECLINING on it with her head pressed up against his torso. As if she were some kind of 6-year-old who can't sit the heck UP in church. If it turns out that she's actually really sick and dying of leukemia or something I'm going to feel bad, but I don't think she was, on account of she was wearing that same satisfied grin that he had on earlier. It made me want roll her off the bench with my foot, or at least take her aside and let her know that she has nothing to be smiling about because the angels up in heaven are probably crying and/or dry-heaving right now and it's all her fault.

Posted in: being a Mormon,on my crap list