Singleton Svithe

Daltongirl, Sakhmet, and Cicada are my Circle of Truth. We've been sending each other group emails for years. They're the ones I tell my absolute most embarassing/pathetic/paranoid stories to. We get excited over little triumphs and big ones, such as Daltongirl's victories in parenting and yard-saling, Sakhmet's grad-school change-the-world coups, Cicada's fab new job which pays her to exercise and be creative, and my not getting trampled by moose yet.

A few weeks ago Cicada started a discussion of how we stay positive (or don't) when it comes to being single and having no romantic prospects and facing a lifetime of dried-up spinsterhood. Daltongirl isn't single anymore, but she was for a long time--and a single mother at that. She and Sakhmet both had wise things to say. Here was my contribution to the Dying Alone Eaten by Cats issue:

For some reason, over the last couple of years I have not felt as anxious/bitter/depressed about the whole thing as I have in the past. It has manifest itself in other ways, though, to be sure. Like the part where I kept dating WR even though we were both miserable because subconsciously I thought this was MY CHANCE, DANGIT!!!! Little things like that.

Part of me was afraid to go to England because if I didn't meet anyone there that would mean at least 2 or 3 more years before I could conceivably meet someone, date, and get married. But I think being away from UT for a little while actually helped. Not that I think UT is bad, but for a year I wasn't continually confronted by evidence of my supposed failure to find someone and get married. I didn't have to watch what seemed like every other person in the world being all schmoopy and married and dating and together. And the year before that I lived in a ward made up of amazing single women in their mid-to-late 20s who were gorgeous and talented and smart and doing fabulous things with their lives. So when I looked them I thought, "Okay. These girls are SO not pathetic. Being single like them does not make me pathetic either."

And even though I was not as global-minded as the fabulous [Sakhmet--who talked about how lucky she is compared to women in places like Darfur], I know that there are women who have it a lot worse than me. There are women who through phsyical or mental disabilities or poverty or illness or any number of other reasons will not only never get married but will also not get to have the kind of life as a single woman that they want. I am blessed because I'm not limited in that way--I can get the education, I can pick up and move, I can support myself, I can travel. The only real limitations I have are the ones I impose on myself, either through fear of failure or worries about "will this make me even more intimidating to men?" etc. So yeah, I don't feel justified in complaining too much about being single.

I also found that complaining about men & singleness makes me unhappy. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still do it, but I think I've gotten a little bit better about it. I feel better when I let myself feel optimistic that there is someone out there for me. And when I hear about deserving friends who are dating/getting married to nice men I've gotten better at thinking, "See? That proves there are good guys out there" rather than, "GAH!! The pool is shrinking, SHRINKING!!!! There will be nothing left for me!!!" Having experienced both, I would have to say that hope feels nicer than despair.

So. There are my tangled thoughts. I hope I'll be able to hang on to such admirable optimism when I leave the Land of Lumberjacks and head back into the dating scene.

Posted in: being a Mormon,dating or not so much