These things happen to me because I am a winner

This morning I woke up after both my parents left for work. Because they have jobs and I don't.

I could hear the dog barking persistently in my garage, which killed the sleeping-in buzz. Finally I staggered out of bed and let her in, which made her ever so happy and loving and "Oh my gosh you're just my most favorite person in the world even though I wouldn't have anything to do with you last night when you wanted to play!"

On the kitchen counter I saw a loaf of banana bread that a neighbor brought over last night. It was about half gone so I cut a couple of slices and ate them for breakfast. While I ate I got on the computer and my dad IMed me.

Dad: Did you find the dog in the garage?

Me: Yeah I did. She wouldn't stop barking.

Dad: I came home earlier to get my cell phone. The little bread [the neighbor] brought over was on the floor in the family room half-eaten. That's why I put her out.

Dad: Hope you didn't eat any bread.

Piece of crap dog. No wonder she was all happy and excited and "please let me sleep on your feet while you read because I am Just. That. Devoted." And now my stomach is cramping up and I'm probably going to die. Excuse me while I go drink Listerine.

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