Speaking of . . .

I forgot to tell everyone the story of Registering with the NHS (alternate title: Welcome to a Year of Free Drugs, Baby!). It was pretty much the easiest thing ever. I had to get a prescription for my lovely beautiful friend Yasmin, so they sent me on back to speak with the doctor.

She took my blood pressure and asked me the fun standard questions.

Dr: "Do you smoke?"

Me: "No."

Dr: "How often do you drink?"

Me: "I don't drink."

Dr: "Are you sexually active?"

Me: "No, I have never been sexually active."

Dr: "Have you ever been pregnant?"

Me: "Um, no." (See above.)

Dr: "And what prescription is it that you want?"

Me: "Yasmin. My doctor back home put me on it for hormone-balancing and it's worked really well, so I'd like to stay on it."

Dr: "And are you using it as a contraceptive?"

Me: "No, just for the hormones." (Again, see above. Twenty-six years and counting, ma'am.)

Dr: "Well, we will have to put it down as a contraceptive because . . . because that's just the way we do things." (She looked worried here, like I might leap to my feet and yell, "I will not have the shame upon my house!")

Me: "Great, that's fine." (Just write the prescription. Write it now.)

Dr: "And are you aware of your breasts?"

Me: (blinking rapidly) "Wh--Excuse me?"

How do you even reply to that?

Possible replies
"Yes actually, I've been meaning to ask someone about that. It all started when I was about twelve . . . "
or
"Well yeah, but it's not like I organize my schedule around them or anything."
or
"Wait, why? Did you notice something? Oh my gosh what???"

Turns out she just wanted to know if I was taking steps to detect breast cancer. I lied and told her I was. (Note to all health-care providers or concerned citizens who may be tempted to make a PSA on this matter: I'm sorry and I will do better!)

So. There you have it. My sister savvymom tried to say that I had all these non-shoulder stories since coming to England, but now you know that there are only two. And we will never have to speak of this again.

Editor's Note: To my baby brother and my father and any other male who may read my blog. I beg you, by all that is good and right and doesn't want to make you put your own eyes out, not to read the comments this post has inspired. Just . . . trust me on this one. Seriously.

Posted in: England