How to deal with the suckfest

The question which I've been mulling over lately is simply this. When it comes to whole dating/events-which-we-hope-will-lead-to-dating scene, at what point can you just give yourself permission to opt out?


I don't mean quitting, really. Or even giving up hope. It's just that it doesn't seem to matter whether or not I'm out there Making An Effort--I'm still single either way, so why can't I just say "You know, I have a job (two, actually, because I'm extra cool that way), I have great friends, and I go to Hawaii. For now, that will have to just be enough." Because the alternative, as I'm seeing it, is becoming one of Those Girls.

You know who I'm talking about. I'm talking about the girls who are increasingly bothered by their single state and who socialize at a frantic, driven pace because they worry that if they miss even one event then they might also be missing their chance to get married. These girls are not happy. They're not having fun. They run themselves ragged going to absolutely every single get-together at which they might meet people. They have tense smiles and wide eyes and they laugh too hard and absolutely everyone knows exactly what the story is there. I don't want to be one of those.

Part of the problem for me comes down to the extrovert/introvert thing. Introverts can have a good time with people, but they need Alone Time to recharge and get their strength back up to go out and socialize more. For the extroverts, the party time is recharging time--it's the alone time that drains them.

My sister Jenny? Extrovert. If she doesn't get at least 52 interactions with other humans during a given day she breaks out in hives. Me? Introvert. I invite a bunch of people over to my house but 15 minutes before they arrive want nothing more than to call up and cancel so I can sneak into the bathroom with a book.

So, the socializing stuff? If it's just being social for social's sake, well, to me that's work, not fun. Half the time the stuff I drag myself out to isn't even interesting to me. (Note to activities committees: Start planning events around a Food & Napping concept. I will so be there.) But I go because I'm Making An Effort. The big advice you hear is to do things that will widen your circle of acquaintances. Fine. Have done that. But those circles only seem to widen temporarily. And usually I don't meet many guys who seem interesting (or interested). Or I don't get to interact with them long enough to even know if there could be something there. And even when I do meet someone who seems cool, that's almost worse because I could have this great conversation full of witty banter and flirting but then I never see the guy again. He's certainly not going to ask for my number, because apparently that's pretty much the same thing as bringing up baby names and is therefore Not Done.

Some of you might read this and think, "Sure, opt out. Be your fun great self and you'll find someone when you're not looking. That's how it happened for me." But I'm thinking that can only really be true for one member of the couple. Sure, you weren't looking but I'm guessing the other person must have been. Someone had to take the initiative. It's just nice that it didn't have to be you.

Part of it, for me, is a pride thing. I shouldn't HAVE to go out and club a man over the head while he's distracted with his video games, dangit. They should be able to tell that I'm worth getting to know and then proceed accordingly, right? But then on the other hand, I can't expect that some guy is going to be psychically led to my house where I am holed up watching SLAs on a Friday night. It's the whole "If you don't run, you won't win" thing. So I'm guessing there has to be some sort of balance between becoming a member of the scary Trousseau Troop and opting out entirely for sanity's sake.

So. Here is what I'm looking at. I will not opt out. However, I am not going to waste evenings of my life participating in stupid, boring, infantile activities that stopped being fun when I was 20 years old out of "you should really support the ward" guilt and "Hey, maybe your Eternal Companion will be there" desperation. I am going to sit down and make a list of the social things I like to do (like dancing) but which I've been lazy about, and I will commit to actually going out and doing those things on a regular basis. If I meet people and make new friends while I'm out there, great. If not, that's okay, because I will be enjoying myself anyway.

And did you notice that I didn't even make any cracks about how the guys today are a bunch of lazy child-men? I'm just self-actualized like that.

(photo from inthecitymad)

Posted in: being a Mormon,dating or not so much