I am SO gonna tell . . .

So did you guys know about the Hollywood A-list's dirty little secret? They totally come over here to England and do commercials for stuff like liquor and tampons, on the understanding that no one in America will ever see it because they wouldn't want us to know what sellouts they are.

Only I know, and I'm telling. Here is what I've seen so far. And I'm not talking about the odd magazine ad for really really expensive watches and stuff that you see in GQ or Vogue, or the Halle Berry/Julianne Moore/Kate Bosworth makeup ad.

I'm talking Gwyneth "Why Yes, I Win Oscars" Paltrow strolling around in a field on the telly, murmuring about the pleasures of Estee Lauder's perfume.

And Ben "Why Yes, I Used to Win Oscars Before I Became Such a Smarmy Ratbag" Affleck in commercials for men's deodorant. His face is also featured next to the deodorant shelf in the seedy high street drugstore I frequent.

And Beyonce "I am Now Officially a Commodity Rather Than an Actual Person" Knowles on bus stop posters marketing some fragrance.

And Nicole "Hah Hah, Sucks To Be You, Katie Holmes" Kidman in this really long artsy-fartsy commercial for Chanel No 5.

The most surreal moment, though, for me, was when I was in the grocery store and rounded a corner only to find myself staring at a life-sized cardboard cutout of George "I Hang out on Lake Como with Brad" Clooney, schilling whiskey. And I was horrified, even though I kind of wanted to steal the display, just a little bit.

I'm sure there are others, but I've forgotten what they are. I'll keep you posted.

And speaking of people who should know better but still persist in making stupid choices (ie., choices of which I do not approve), let's talk about the denim skirts. They're still wearing them over here, even though it's the dead of winter! Can y'all tell me if people in the States are doing this? They're these denim skirts, and I've never even seen them in the clothing stores, so all I can come up with is that these girls are actually creating the things themselves by cutting off the legs and crotches of their jeans. And then they put on a black pair of leggings and think they're good to go, only they are so, so not.

Sweet young women, if you are reading this, or if someone emails this to you, or calls you up and reads it to you, or prints it off and walks across a prairie just to take it to your house and hand it to you, please hearken well.

A clothing choice like that does not say "I am a self-actualized individual who posesses both style and wisdom."

Instead, it says, "Hi guys, I'm blind and my butt can no longer sense the cold. Feel free to get me drunk."

Have a great weekend, everybody!

Posted in: England