The one where my head explodes

So you know how I posted about the wedding yesterday? Here comes the second half.

You know how in the US there's the whole thing with the bachelor parties? When sweet Mormon boys say they're having a bachelor party, what that really means is that a bunch of guys are getting together to play video games, eat pizza, drink root beer, and say "Dude" a lot. Because that's all you're left with once the booze and the strippers get nixed.

Anyway. Let's cross the pond. Over here they have Stag and Hen Nights. Hen Nights are pretty much Girls' Night Out and are more about food and talking and giggles and maybe spa treatments if you're really lucky. Now, let's say that your typical Stag Night is comprised of 10% food, 30% alcohol, 30% strippers, and 30% pranks. (Don't kill me if the math is off--this is just an estimate.) The sweet Mormon boys around here have decided to adjust the percentages to 20% food and 80% pranks.

Now, I hate pranks. Hate, hate, hate them. My sense of humor toward prankery was killed in junior high when I was on the wrong end of some, and there's just nothing to be done for it. To me, most pranks are nothing more than a protected form of either vandalism or physical/emotional abuse. I can't even watch that show Punk'd because it gives me a stomach ache and makes me want to kick that smug Ashton Kutcher's stupid teeth out and then shove that stupid beanie of his down his throat. But I realize that's just me, and some people can merrily prank away with each other and everyone is on the same page and is okay with it. Fine. Whatever.

Back to Stag Nights. Here are just a few of the things that have been done to grooms by their Mormon buddies during Stag Night:

Stag #1 was taken into the town center and tied to a lamppost wearing nothing but white Speedos and a bow tie.

Stag #2 had his pubic hair dyed green, and then his groomsmen talked about it in the speeches at the wedding reception in front of his virgin bride, her family, and all their guests. (Editor's note: Savvymom and I have now decided that there should be bouncers at weddings.)

Stag #3 was taken up to a local observation point in the park, laid out on this compass stone like a pagan sacrificial offering, and had his body smeared with baked beans, raw eggs, ketchup, and fish guts.

Now, this is stupid. It just is. How is this fun? Why would somebody sign himself UP for something like this? Also, is this how you celebrate what is supposed to be the most important and (to Mormons) most sacred event of your life? Of course, maybe some people reading this are thinking "Yeah, well, it's all in good fun . . . " Only I'm not done yet, because has anyone else sensed the escalation pattern here?

Stag#4 is the groom of the wedding I've been invited to. His buddies took him to dinner, and then took him out somewhere and started throwing all the gross food and stuff on him. Only some of them were throwing whole eggs which he said actually hurt quite a bit and left bruises. Then, they bound and gagged him, stuffed him in the trunk of their car, and started driving around over speedbumps.

Now, this is where I start having some real problems with this, even if the prankee was consenting. What if he started having trouble breathing back there or got sick? How would they know? What if they got into an accident or someone rear-ended them while he was back there? Do they think the "Um, we're friends and we were just playing around" defense is going to hold up then? They also took pictures of him in the trunk and sent them to the bride on her camera phone, so that she could worry about whether or not he was ok. (Let me just say here, if anyone, family and friends included, ever puts me into the trunk of a car, they will find themselves with a set of kicked-out tail lights and every single criminal and civil charge I can possibly press against them. Because you just don't mess around with my life like that.) And also, I can't believe that these are men who have been taught to be responsible citizens and Christlike individuals, yet are doing things that most other people would have to be severely drunk to even consider.

Also, I'm not done yet.

Because it turns out that the groom has diabetes, and his friends knew it. But they decided that a good idea would be to put a whole bunch of laxatives in his dinner, just before the "driving around in the trunk" incident. Landlady J's mother was a diabetic and she says that's absolutely the most dangerous and irresponsible thing you can do to someone with diabetes, because it makes their blood sugar levels drop dramatically and can put them into a diabetic coma or just make them drop dead. So, these guys have absolutely no idea what they're doing, but are just so excited about their chance to behave like drunken soccer hooligans that they don't care, and at this rate something is going to go badly.

So. I am going to stop now, before my brain start leaking out my ears.

I welcome your comments.

Posted in: England