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Tuesday, 29 November 2005

I'm British. We only show affection to dogs and horses.

Conversation that happened the other night at my house, just after Lady J's cat ran away in terror from WR, on account of she is scared of the menfolk.

Me: Sorry the cat's is scared of you.

WR: Enh, it doesn't bother me. (whispers) I'm actually allergic to cats!

Me: Oh, that's too bad. Like severely allergic?

WR: No, I just sneeze and stuff.

Me: Well, that's okay, because I'm not a huge cat fan anyw--Wait. What about dogs?

WR: Huh?

Me: Are you allergic to dogs?

WR: I dunno, does it matter?

Me: Answer the question!

WR: Well, I probably am if I'm allergic to cats, right? Doesn't it work that way?

Me: No. No, it doesn't work that way. You can be allergic to cats and not dogs. My sister is allergic to cats and not dogs. So I bet you're fine.

WR: Um . . . I'm getting the feeling here that you really like dogs.

Me: Of course I do, everyone does! Don't you?

(That's when he got quiet and started looking around the room, as if for something to distract me.)

Me: Don't you?

See, here's the thing. In my book there are two kinds of people:
1) Those who like dogs
2) Those who kill puppies and are without love or natural affections

Me: Oh my gosh you hate dogs!!!

WR: I don't hate dogs!

Me: But would you ever own a dog?

WR: (proceeds to make grimaces that involves his entire face and torso)

WR: Would I have to have a dog? I mean, they're just so loud, and hairy, and they're so much work! I just don't see what's so great about them.

Me: (gasp) I can't even believe I'm hearing this! You're British and you hate dogs??

WR: What, is this like a deal-breaker for you or something?

Me: I haven't decided yet!

WR: What if you had a robotic dog? A robotic dog could be quite nice.

Me: Don't even speak to me, you dog killer.

So after much prayer and fasting, I have decided not to let this be a deal-breaker. I mean, as awful as this is, I'm sure there are much, much worse things to discover about someone you're dating. Also, I think the reason WR doesn't like dogs is that he's never been friends with any. If he had, he would know.

There's time yet for that.

Sunday, 27 November 2005

Something to add to your food storage list

So today I was in the Relief Society class, minding my own business. For the non-LDS friends out there, that's one class in our block of Sunday meetings that is specifically for the ladies. We have the same lesson the menfolk do in their class, although we have things like pretty centerpieces and object lessons and gentle laughter in ours, whereas the men probably light fires and swap camping stories or whatever it is they do in theirs. The kids are off having their own classes as well. Then we all meet back up for the rest of the services, otherwise the Engaged People and Newlyweds might just spontaniously combust and die from loneliness.

Anyway.

The lesson was about spiritual and temporal preparation, so a big part of the discussion centered around emergency preparedness and food storage and 72-hour-kits and things like that. I heard lots of the usual things, like "Be sure to remember toothbrushes in your emergency storage, because otherwise that's just nasty" and "Turns out flour doesn't keep for as long as I thought it would back in 1989 when I bought 6 tons of it."

Then, at the very end (the teacher was actually going over on time) one woman raised her hand and said that she tried to be careful who she talked about food storage to, because she doesn't want everyone showing up at her house if something happens and everyone on the street knows that her house is the house with food and toothbrushes.

Then the teacher enthusiastically agreed and said that she knows someone who bought a shotgun to store with his food storage, because when hard times come his neighbors will probably try to kill him for it.

And because the class was already going over, and I hate it when things get out late, I couldn't raise my hand and say what I wanted to say, which was:

A) Sister #1, have you not heard the part where sharing with those in need is kind of a thing that we do? Also, it might be nice, rather than keeping food storage a Mormon Secret, to mention what you're doing and offer to show your neighbors the ropes.
B) Sister #2, does your friend by any chance live in Montana?

So I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to be That American from UTAH Who Thinks She Knows Everything, because let's face it, everyone hates those people. I hate those people too. And as a result everyone spent the last 30 seconds of the lesson adding one more item to the list:

"Shotgun for shooting neighbors."

Because hey, that's what you GET for not planning ahead.

Thursday, 24 November 2005

The world just got dumber.

Extracted from Roadrunner's Blabbermouth:

Rock music that sucked a young man into a world of devil worship and drug use is being mounted as a defence in his trial for murdering his teenaged cousin.

Though two men, 21-year-old Osei Lazare and 28-year-old Marcus Daniel, are charged with the death of 16-year-old Suzette Gibson, the focus of the first day of the trial immediately shifted to Daniel yesterday when the claim was made by his lawyer, Pamela Elder SC.

Several witnesses admitted to her that her client- who was Gibson's cousin- regularly listened to heavy metal music, that his bedroom was decorated with skeletons and that he drank heavily.

Daniel's music collection and tattoos came under scrutiny.

One witness said Daniel listened to artists such as shock rockers Marilyn Manson, Ozzy Osbourne, Alice Cooper and grunge metal bands such as Slipknot and Anthrax.

He also had the tattoo of an upside down cross on one arm- which Elder called the symbol of the Antichrist.

Daniel's friend, Riaz Ali told the jury: "I recall the lyrics of one song. It went 'Devil man, devil man, you got in my head, devil man, devil man... right in my heart"."

Ali said he saw Daniel with a cut on his hand on the night Gibson disappeared and Daniel told him he got the wound from playing "knife games" with "those guys from Westmoorings".

Justice Herbert Volney is presiding over the trial in the Port of Spain First Criminal Court.

State attorney Alexander Prince is prosecuting, while Owen Hinds Jr is appearing with Elder for Daniel and Israel Khan SC and Dawn Mohan represent Lazare.

Gibson's father, Alvin Gibson, is a police constable and lived at Calvary Hill, Covigne Road, Diego Martin.

He worked at the Port of Spain Traffic and Highways branch in January 2002 when his daughter was killed.

He said he came home around 7 p.m. on January 23, 2002 and left in search of her around 11 p.m. that night when the Form Two student of the Mucurapo Junior Secondary School did not return from dance class.

He said he went to Daniel's home at Brunton Avenue, Diego Martin, and met him there with Lazare, and asked for Daniel's car to go look for Suzette.

He said he noticed the cut on Daniel's hand, and Daniel told him he got it during an argument with an unknown man by a phone booth that afternoon.


Damn those gullible so-called metalheads and wannabes.

Also from blabbermouth:

CRADLE OF FILTH frontman Dani Filth has offered the following studio update via the band's official web site:

"Dear loyal readership, friends and would-be English metal journalists,
The time has come once again to update your good selves on the activities and nocturnal emissions of the band as we approach our fourth week here at The Chapel studios in the pounding verdant heart of Lincolnshire.

"Well, firstly, before I continue with matters of the band, my girlfriend of fourteen years, Toni, and I were married on Hallowe'en in our hometown of Ipswich with a few close friends and our daughter Luna present. My mother, having left for India that very same day, obviously couldn't be there, so we felt it best that our vastly extended families should be told about it after the fact and in the better interests of sibling harmony. The day itself was supplemented with copious amounts of champagne, a posh lunch and a three-hour limo ride to a pre-planned Hallowe'en party that carried on right through to the next day somewhere in the bonfire-lit depths of Norfolk. Our celebrations will then have to abate until the 28th (which is Toni's birthday and fortuitously also the last date of the studio before the tour) and then until we get to our house in India for the Xmas break (I'd like to see Santa get down that fucking chimney!). So that's that, we're officially Mr and Mrs Filth until death do us prat, sorry, part.

"Right, back onto the bloody album then.

"Thus far the drums have been recorded, along with the bass, for the entirety of the record and are sounding great, although a small problem did arise at one point when Adrian [Erlandsson, drums] noticed that he'd been recording with a cracked cymbal. This was no small problem to correct as it meant having to re-record several tracks again, but record them he did and probably more to his and our satisfaction. Vocals are well underway by a few weeks and are going well despite having to slot them around drum editing, but at least they're underway. Our first mission was to finish our version of SAMHAIN's 'Hallowe'en II' for the forthcoming 'Underworld 2' soundtrack, a song that originally was to feature original vocalist Glenn Danzig way back on the 'Nymphetamine' session but fortunately stayed its ground unfinished. It may surprise a few people to know that this song is probably the first CRADLE song to feature clean vocals from myself, albeit just the chorus parts, but don't expect an emo ballad by any means, this is still a C.O.F. rendition after all!

"Other news is that a local plebian small town journalist looking to further his mundane existence chose to try and pursue a story about our studio being a hotbed of drugs and vice recently, which, despite the odd wife coming up for the weekends, is hardly that, well certainly not outside of the bedroom. Since last time I wrote, matters on the drugs front diminished immediately after it was revealed that the studio owner runs a totally dry ship when it comes to anything other than booze and even makes people stand outside for cigarettes, which as you can imagine doesn't go down too well with certain binge-skagging members at all. But in order to keep things on an even keel, people have kept to the rules albeit with some hardship, especially when Miss Moss popped in to say hello on her way back from working abroad last week, without the plum. Bless her.

"Live-wise the forthcoming tour British tour is being rehearsed for in-between sessions and our replacement keyboardist Rosie is filling in Martin's shoes with aplomb. Most dates are heading for sell-out, the first warm-up show in Colchester having gone at the back end of last week, with London, Manchester and possibly Glasgow going in the very near future. So grab your tickets soon folks, they're going fast and furiously. Honest!

"There definitely is an air of trepidation building in the studio as the tour creeps up on the band, everybody being eager to flip the coin onto the other side in regards to getting out there and fucking things up live (as opposed to fucking things up in the studio and flipping each other the finger!). The sudden, radical change in surroundings should certainly get the adrenaline pumping, especially with a new stage show and set list at hand and playing places that we've never ventured to up until now, like Newcastle, Southampton and Cardiff.

"Of the other two covers, there is news. We have decided to undertake the following tracks.... 'Stay' by SHAKESPEARE'S SISTER, which will be see Liv Kristine again sharing vocal duties and 'Temptation' by Eighties new wavers HEAVEN 17, which will also see Harry (formerly of 'DIRTY HARRY') guest. These songs were chosen mainly for their challenge rather than their gay icon status and the need to tackle other more predictable cover versions... these things breaking up the studio session like a breath of foetid air when they're attacked with a certain flair of creativity. Well, that's the band fucked then!

"As for the rest of the album it is hard to say how songs like 'Libertina Grimm', 'Tonight In Flames' or 'Cemetery And Sundown' will fan out, this being the culmination of the first studio session, with only the bare bones in place at the moment. On our eventual return, with more vocals being addressed and the guitars underway, we should start seeing the light behind the darkness and the songs finally rising into some distinguishable, though rancid life.

"As for other things, the food is still impeccable and the weather freezing, the pub down the road still being our only real vice (we won the pub quiz there last weekend though... ) bar a few visits mid-mornings to local towns for random shopping trips. Rob [Caggiano] the producer is slowly recovering from his illness, i think the parasite has snaked out of his arse and slipped along the corridor to someone else's room much like a scene from the first 'Alien' movie. He still is unable to drink alcohol at the moment though, a sorry state of affairs that finds him clawing at the woodwork like a rabid hamster when the booze is broken out and the moon risen full.

"There have been the usual strange happenings here in true C.O.F. fashion, as in possessions disappearing for days on end and some more freak guitar stuff happening (yes, the bass cab caught on fire once again!) but for the most of it the gremlins have let us be. Engineer Dan Turner (aka 'Hot Lips', 'Nun Trader' and 'Dan Syndrome') has yet to complete his studio challenge this time around, which involves donning a builder's hard hat, tight leather hot pants, shaving his legs, wearing an over-stretched skinny girl's C.O.F. shirt and then proceeding to ask the builders working on studio three whether they have any cracks that desperately need filling. So a shovel through his head then it is for the next DVD!

"Incidentally the current DVD, 'Peace Through Superior Firepower', is now in stores and the track from the live show, 'From The Cradle To Enslave', is hitting the airwaves to coincide in time with its release. A small film crew is coming out on these British dates with us in order to capture the event for a possible forthcoming documentary and there is also the possibility of teaming up with the porn director Michael Ninn and everybody's favourite troublemaker Bam 'The Patron Saint Of Finnish Metal' Magera. A live set from the British tour will also be recorded for one side of a forthcoming double live album entitled 'Trouble And Their Double Lives', which should see the light of day at some point late next year. Be varned!

"So much for a quiet time around the studio then. Hope this keeps you up to date for the time being, another slowgress report should reach you by the Xmas period, if not we're either dead or just sitting around hoping to be..."

Alright Dear Dani, sometimes you write too much for one's reading pleasure. This is long and exhaustive post indeed. Yeah, Peace Through Superior Firepower comes next week at Inokii, I'm definitely getting it. Hail Cradle of Filth!

- Heading back to the pit that spawned me,
Ling aka CoFW.

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