Someone deserves a trout slappin'

So . . . remember that one time when it was sunny and delicious and springy around here? Yeah, that all went to crap. It is now snowing like nobody's business and I'm sure all the daffodils are dying. Which, Snow, I hope you're happy, since you are now pretty much the same thing as a baby killer. I'm glad I made the most of the nice weather on Saturday--we went to the park for a picnic lunch and lounged around watching people flying kites and walking dogs. It was heaven.

Then on Sunday I was struck by what is possibly the largest architectural stupidity I have come across in recent days. I'm trying to think of what would be dumber, but all I'm getting is maybe multi-level hospitals (or nursing homes) without elevators.

In our chapel, as in many LDS chapels, there are three sections of pews separated by two aisles. There is one center section of longer benches, then there are two sections of shorter benches against each wall. For some reason, the designers of this building must have put someone in charge who has possibly never attended one of our worship services--or perhaps never did so while in the company of small children. Because the short benches (read: where the smaller (read: younger) families sit) are not flush up against the wall, but instead have this 18-inch space between the pew and the wall. A sort of mini-aisle, if you will.

Now, clearly this is too narrow to be used by adults. Wanna know who it's perfect for, though? That would be the small children. The small children can slip out of arm's reach, make a break for that opening and then stroll (or race) up and down the entire length of the chapel to their heart's delight, while taunting their parents with their eyes and giggles. Seriously, why not just build little doggie doors at the end of every aisle that lead out into the hallway?

I can only assume that maybe the person responsible for the space thought it would discourage sleeping in church by people who would otherwise lean their heads against the wall and doze off. (Probably the reason why my Alaskan chapel growing up had some sort of prickly burlap knotted fabric covering the walls--if I tried to lean against it I'd get my ear snagged and possibly torn off.) Only you know what's worse than someone quietly napping? A suddenly-free young child cackling in delight while her single mother tries unsuccessfully to lure her back to their bench without causing a scene. Sure, it's fine if you have TWO adults--one to block the entrance to the main aisle, and another to guard the entrance to the mini-aisle, but if you only have one parent there, and if the parent has learned from sad experience that chaining the kid to the pew or stapling them to the parent's lap is not ideal, then you have the makings of a lively 70 minutes. There's one little sassy 4-year old moppet (imagine a Hobbit child) who makes a break for it every chance she gets, while her sweet mom does her best to keep her sitting and entertained. GH loves watching this little girl. I don't think he would love it as much if he had to be keeping track of her.

But seriously, way to make life just that much harder (and church that much more stressful) for the single mommies, architect. Everyone gives these moms a pass (or they should) because hi, what are you even going to do? An idiot designed the building. I'm surprised they didn't include a jungle gym in the back while they were at it.

Posted in: being a Mormon,on my crap list