And you thought I was done talking about the plight of the Singleton

Except I'll never be done. Never.

I went out to dinner awhile back with some excellent girl friends. It was great to catch up and hear how everyone's doing. Until one friend started telling her story and then our brains exploded out our ears.

Here's a girl who is around my age, has a college degree, and has served a mission. She's attractive, funny, down-to-earth, is a loyal friend and proud auntie, she goes on cool adventures, and she can cook like you would not believe. So pretty much the whole package. Yes, she would rather not be single, but she's not the mopey sort and in the meantime is doing really good things with her life.

Great, right? Except NOT. Her parents are so worried about her single status that they Cannot. Leave. It. Alone. And the fact that she does not appear more worried about it or more "anxiously engaged" in catching herself a man (any man) just unsettles them even more. They signed her up for an online dating site without her consent, they try to set her up with every divorced guy in the neighborhood who just moved back in with his parents, they recruit her married sisters to gang up on her about her life, and they ask her if maybe she has considered flirting more.

Now, My Friend's Mom and Dad, I get that you want your sweet, lovely daughter to be happy. I get that. What I would also like to get is the number for your crack dealer.

Because seriously, if your goal is to see your child happy, how is making her miserable by continually harping on the one thing she cannot control the best way to get her on the path?

You have this gorgeous, kind, smart, educated daughter. Do you realize how much worse it could be? She could be:

1. On drugs.

2. On the run from the law.

3. Homeless

4. Secretly stealing your money.

5. Sleeping around.

6. Dating a string of losers who treat her badly.

7. Pregnant with a drug-dealer's kid.

8. Living at your house with her drug-dealer baby daddy babies.

9. Stuck in a bad marriage where you worry about her and her children constantly.

10. Still single, but constantly moaning about how miserable and wretched she is and making efforts that completely reek of desperation. (Note: I don't know of many desperation-fueled marriages that worked out well.)

And here's the other tip, parents. I get that it's hard for you to worry about your daughter, but it's much, much harder to BE your daughter. It is hard to be single in the LDS culture. It just is. It is hard to commit to a life of celibacy that could last who knows how long. It is hard not to know when/if you'll have a family of your own. It is hard to watch what seems like everyone else moving on with their lives while you're searching for meaningful Plan Bs to keep you busy. It is hard to deal with people pitying you and assuming that you must be doing something wrong and defining you by what you don't have.

So when a single person is able to maintain a good attitude in the face of all that, you DO NOT MESS WITH THAT. It is not your job to make your daughter doubt herself, because there are enough people and situations lined up for that very task. YOUR job is to be supportive, encouraging, and to maybe secretly put her name on the prayer roll in the temple, without ever, ever telling her you're doing it. (ps. Thanks, Coolmom and Cooldad! You guys are awesome at spinster parenting.)

I turned to another single friend during dinner and asked, "So, do your parents give you this kind of crap, too?"

She snorted: "No way. My dad just asked me if I've considered going for a Ph.D."

Which is how it's done, people.

Posted in: being a Mormon