The gum chewing post

As I've spent the last two days sick with the flu, I've had time to think about world-saving ideas. My latest one?

No More Chewing Gum

I don't see the point of it. It's not food. It has no nutritional benefit. It's not biodegradable, so it'll be around forever. Just take a look at the commercials. All they can do is try to make a cool commercial without really mentioning the gum, because what can they even say about it? "Um, we think you should put this flavored tar in your mouth and chew it over and over again. No reason."

As pointless and stupid as chewing gum is, my bigger problem is with the gum chewers. After all, wads of gum don't end up in water fountains, city sidewalks, under desks, and in carpets all by themselves. No indeed. It is the stupid idiot chewers who leave it there, and I would have no problem with such behavior incurring penalties like tongue forking.

Here's the other thing, and this is where I'm going to hurt some feelings. But only because I care.
You look stupid when you chew gum.

You really do. This is especially true if you are the kind who simply cannot keep your lips together while chewing. Yes, I'm talking to you. You look like a cow, standing in a field, staring vacantly while chewing your cud. And it's nasty. I don't want to hear the smacking of your lips. I don't want to see your gum rolling around in your mouth, and I don't want to watch your jaw going up and down, up and down, over and over again. It's just gross and it makes you, literally, look like a slack-jawed idiot. The words that come out of your mouth automatically have less intellectual merit when they're accompanied by the sticky, spitty, snapping sounds of chewing gum.

So. Now that we've established that, I think we can get rid of the gum. Exceptions will be for people who are trying to give up smoking and need to have something in their mouth, and also for pregnant women. Because so help me I'm not about to tell a pregnant woman what she can and can't chew. I would recommend that she chew quietly and with closed lips if she doesn't want people to moo at her, but still: her choice.

For those of you whining about needing something after a meal to freshen your breath, I believe they've invented a special new thing called breath mints. Look into them.

Posted in: effecting social change,things that make me stare in disbelief