So this week was Education Week at my university. Thousands of people from all over descend upon the campus like so many locusts, for the purpose of getting knowledge. That's what they say they're doing, anyway. We all know they're just here to get away from their families and meet up with all their friends to talk about how darn much the campus has changed in 25 years. The classes are about everything from religion to finances to parenting to fashion ("The Denim Jumper: It's Still Hot, No Matter What Anyone Says!!!)
Most people who come here for Education Week are lovely. They're excited to be here, they're having a great time, the classes are great, and the world is just fabulous.
Unfortunately, I never meet the lovely people. I meet the weirdos.
I ran a booth in the student center for several shifts this week, supposedly so I could give out information about the online courses my department offers. Instead, I became some kind of Information Booth for the Lost and/or Weird. Some people thought I was some sort of academic advisor for every field under the sun, rather than a trained monkey who existed simply to hand out catalogues.
So. Here are some of the things I heard. Please imagine that the speakers appear to have come straight from cabins or lean-tos in the forest somewhere.
My son was just laid off. He really likes computers, though. What do you
think he should do to get more experience and training?
Where are the bathrooms?
Where's Jamba Juice?
Where is registration?
I want to get a masters degree in Environmental Science, but I know your
school doesn’t have anything in that. What should I take to give me a good
background?
Where is the elevator?
Where is registration?
I don’t have the Internet at my house.
Where can I find See’s chocolate?
Ooooh, Pens!
(implied) I see that you are on your cell phone. I’m going to ask you questions anyway.
Do you have any more of those pens?
(implied) I see that you are speaking with someone else at your booth, but my question is more
important and so I must ask it now!!!
(implied) I am going to stand here and tell you my life story for exactly 34 minutes, and I won’t stop even when your eyes glaze over, because you’re attached to this booth and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Every night in my dreams, I see you, I fee-ee-eeel you . . . thaaat is how I know you . . . go on. (said by Saline Dion over the sound system)
Can you tell me where my class is? I don’t know the room number, I just know it’s in this building somewhere.
Hey, this isn’t what this building looked like the last time I was here in 1983!
Do you know where my class is? I don't know what room it is, since the schedule just says [Student Center] with a 3421 in front of it.
I almost went here to school, 35 years ago. That was before the divorce, though. I still don’t know what went wrong there. And, I mean, I date, but I’m having a hard time finding a nice LDS lady. Lots of them are older now and they just want careers. So you’re single, huh? Can I ask why? Just haven't found the One and Only yet, huh? Yeah, I'm having a hard time finding a nice LDS lady. There just aren't too many of them around.
That last one better not have been going where I think it was going.
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