My letter to the parents of L**** and its environs

Dear Parents,

They are called babysitters. Look into them.

My enjoyment of Saturday night's Christmas concert at Utah State University was slightly marred by the squalls and piercing shrieks of your infant and toddler offspring. I especially appreciated the part where, rather than sitting near an exit so that you could make a hasty retreat at the first signs of fussiness, many of you chose to park yourselves right in the middle of a row right in the front of the audience. I think I would have made a different choice if I had a ticking time bomb in my lap, but oh well. And I really loved how some of you finally took your screaming child out of the theater and then brought them back in again a few minutes later just to repeat the entire process.

I'm also curious--why was it so important to you that your tiny children attend this concert? Did you think that's the kind of thing they would enjoy? Because, clearly, they didn't. And I can't imagine you did either, unless you take a kind of sick pleasure in pinching your child during the quietest parts of the musical numbers, thereby ruining my Christmas buzz.

Here's the thing: When I want to hear screaming kids, I have options. I can go to my sister's house. I can go to a pediatrician's office. I can go to Wal-Mart at closing time. Heck, I can attend the story times at my own library. And the beauty is, I can do all those things for free. I don't need to buy a ticket and dress up and invite a guest and go sit in a nice theater. I really don't. And when I do buy a ticket and dress up and go sit in a nice theater I am NOT hoping for the added perks which your child's set of lungs may add to the entertainment.

So yes. Babysitters. Do us all a favor and get one. If you can't afford it, trade services with a friend. Do not ruin the experience for those of us who planned ahead (far, far ahead in my case) and did not bring babies. If you're unsure as to whether to bring your child, ask yourself these two questions:

1. Is this event intended for small children? (Key indicators would be balloons, performances during the day, and signs which read "Babies Welcome!")

2. Is it at all possible that my child might become fussy or cry during the performance? (This applies to children from ages 0-15.)

If you're still unsure, give me a call and I'd be happy to help you decide.

Posted in: on my crap list