Actually, I do mind.

I would like to share a little tidbit from Miss Manners' Basic Training: Communication (1997). She is addressing cell phone etiquette.

Miss Manners understands that for the owners of portable telephones the number-one etiquette hazard is embarrassment. There is hardly any more public wallflower than the person who is obviously lugging around telephone equipment than never seems to ring. No one should have to be stuck with having to talk to the person he or she is actually with.

It is, of course, Miss Manners' duty to sympathize with all etiquette problems. But she allows herself some discretion about which ones to suffer over first. In the manner of peripatetic telephones, she worries first about the nonusers present who are being annoyed.

So do I, Miss Manners. So do I. Also, it is so much worse now. I don't know why this is, but people whom I consider to be well-mannered individuals throw the rules completely out the window when it comes to cell phones. So. I would like to present the rules here, just in case there are people out there who A) do not know them, or B) don't think said rules apply to them (hint: they do).

1. Turn your phone off the second you step into a museum, church, restaurant, theatre, library, waiting room, or other public place frequented by actual civilized people. My library doesn't have a cell phone rule, even though it really should, which means that I get to hear cell phones ringing merrily at all hours of the day and people chattering on about things we shouldn't be hearing, like custody battles and which brother is trying to stiff his siblings out of their inheritance. Today a woman was asking me a reference question when her cell phone went off--loudly. I then had to sit there with the Eyebrow of Death and wait for her to stare at it and debate whether or not to answer it. And I've said this before but some of you haven't listened --sending text-messages during church is tacky. And so are you if you do it. And you'll make Jesus cry.

2. If your phone rings during a live performance, you deserve to be slapped. If it rings again during the same performance, you deserve to be slapped by every member of the audience, the cast, and the orchestra. And anyone else who just happens by and wants to smack you.

3. Do not have personal or emotional conversations on your cell phone in public. None of us want to be held hostage by your drama. We shouldn't have to listen to any of your cell phone conversations, actually. So find yourself a corner and use it. Wait until you get off the airplane to start making calls. I've listened to about a million "Yeah. Yeah, I just landed in Columbus. We're just taxiing on the runway now. Yeah. So I'm calling to tell you that. Because it makes such a difference that you know this now, rather than 5 minutes from now. And I want everyone else on this plane to know I'm so special that entire teams of people need to be apprised of my every move" calls, and I would be just fine with never hearing one again.

4. Ditch the annoying ringtones. What are you, twelve? I'm going to be additionally irritated if I have to listen to some stupid song when your cell phone goes off.

5. Stop screaming into your phone. You don't need to do that.

6. Do not even think about using your cell phone when you're at the check-out stand. That is so incredibly rude to the person who has to be polite to you even though you don't have the courtesy to acknowledge her presence. She would be perfectly justified in cramming that thing in your ear. The other day I worked the circulation desk and had to help a lady who remained on her phone and never once looked at me. She has no idea how close she came to getting clubbed like a baby seal with her own phone.

7. Do not have drawn-out cell phone conversations if you are with guests. And yes, the people in the car with you are guests--or at least they can't choose to be somewhere else. I've been stunned on occasion when I've set out with a friend only to be ignored while they have a merry cell-phone conversation with someone else. Because guess what? You, the person you're calling, and me do not = a happy threesome. It equals you being rude and me wondering why I'm even there.

Now. Let's all do our best to make the world a better and more considerate place and stave off the public slappings, shall we?

Thank you.

Posted in: on my crap list,The Eyebrow