Lest anyone think my father is growing soft

So I was on Skype with my parents tonight, and Mom told me that she bought the new Pride & Prejudice. And I got all wistful and jealous, because man that was a good movie.

Dad: The new one is TOTALLY better than the old one, by the way.

Me: Are you just saying that because it's shorter or do you actually like it better?

Dad: Absolutely because it's shorter.

Mom: He would have liked it better though if it had that Catherine Zeta-Jones in it!

Dad: Well yeah, any movie would be better with Catherine-Zeta Jones in it.

Me: Yeah, but who would she play? She's too old to be anybody in that movie.

Dad: I don't care who she plays.

Me: So what, she could be the tavern wench or something?

Dad: Heck yeah, man. That's a great idea.

Mom: You could make a subplot out of it--Mr. Darcy's Indiscretions.

Me: What, like, Mr. Darcy and the Tavern Wench?

Dad: See, there's a film worth seeing. Or she could always be that one guy's, um . . . who's that one guy?

Me: Which guy?

Mom: Willoughby? Wickham?

Dad: Noooo, you know, the one with the sister or whatever, and he's his friend . . .

Mom: Bingley?

Dad: Yeah, that's the one. His sister. (pause) Only if she was in it then nobody would be looking at anybody else.

Me: That's great, Dad. Way to kill the plot there.

Dad: Hey. I'm just saying. I bet if it had Catherine Zeta-Jones in it WR would have watched it with you.

Me: Nope, he wouldn't've. If it'd had AK-47s and explosions in it, then maybe.

Dad: (laughing) Well yeah, that would've made it tons better too. And so would Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Me: I'm putting this in a blog post, Dad. I'm doing it right now.

(Then we all discussed how my mom wants to own all the Jane Austen films and I told her to avoid the ones from the 1970s because they're rubbish.)

Dad: Turns out we have that Emma movie with whatserface in it. We saw that the other day.

Me: Gwyneth Paltrow?

Dad: Yeah, her. Man that movie's stupid.

Me: Gosh, strong words, there. So do you hate it more or less than you hated Sense & Sensibility?

Dad: I dunno, which one was that?

Me: That's the one where you always get up and leave when Willoughby pulls the pocket sonnets out of his coat, and you say, "Man, I can't take this crap, you just know that guy's a creep."

Dad: Ennhhhh . . .

Mom: You know that one, it's the one with Kate Winslet, Alan Rickman, Hugh Grant, Emma Thompson . . . "

Dad: They all suck.

Then he burst out laughing, all pleased with himself. And Mom and I sort of had to bust up laughing at that point, too. He did kind of clarify that he meant the films rather than the actors. Because I happen to know he likes that Alan Rickman.

As we all do, on account of it's impossible to resist that velvety, velvety voice of his. I dare anyone to try.

Posted in: England