My letters to the world

Dear married couple who lives in my brother's apartment complex in Rexburg ID,

I understand that you are now married and can give in to those urges that have been just eating away at you for the first 19 and 22 years of your respective lives. Bully for you. However, I would ask that you not engage in satisfying said urges while on your balcony at 3:00pm in full view of my sweet baby brother who has to walk by your apartment to get to the laundry room.

This is why you have an apartment. You have a bed, floors, tables, kitchen counters--heck, you could even drag in the patio furniture you were abusing. I promise that we will all believe that you two love each other the absolute most and that no one else could possibly be as blissfully happy as you are without the public demonstration.


Dear married couple that stood in line in front of me at Coney's,

First off, sweetheart, that cowboy hat just looks stupid. Were you trying to shade your eyes from the nonglare of the sun? Did you come to Coney's straight from baling hay or something? Given that you were wearing platform shoes I find that doubtful. But this is all beside the point.

The point is that I would really appreciate it if you could stop sucking off your husband's face for the 28 seconds it takes to order your friggin' ice cream so that the attractive and ice-cream-deprived people behind you don't have to keep waiting to place their own order. If you really couldn't hold off for 28 seconds, why did you even bother leaving the house? That's why we have take-out, people.


Dear couples who show restraint and only engage in socially appropriate displays of affection whilst in public,

I salute you, and wish you a lifetime of the happiness that you deserve.


Dear every other couple who engages in line-crossing PDA within my presence,

You look ridiculous.
And everyone hates you.

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